Small disclosures build bonds faster than time

9 June 2026

It tells people my flaws, preferences, and the things they might not learn in normal work conversations.

I wrote it for a simple reason: people work better when they understand each other faster.¹

At Tech in Asia, this was never mandatory. We did not enforce it. But over time, most of the team wrote one. I suspect the voluntary part made it work.

It gave people permission to express themselves. It also made the exercise less intimidating because others had already done it and shared theirs internally.

Here's what I observed:

1. It broke the cold start. People would find a shared school, hobby, or weird childhood hustle. Suddenly there was a bridge. Connection happened in a week instead of six months.

2. It surfaced hidden skills. Someone could sing. Someone could design. Someone could emcee. These things sound random until you need someone to host an event, polish a deck, or bring energy to a room. Without the guide, we would never have known.

3. It made career support easier. When people wrote what they were aiming for, we could help. Without that, we were guessing. The guide moved us to the important talking points. Win-win.

The work stuff was useful. But the non-work stuff is equally great.

Favourite movies.
Hobbies.
What you hustled at as a kid.
The flaw you are working on.
Whether you are an introvert who hates big group dinners. (That's me.)
Or a grammar nazi. (Not me.)

Those small disclosures build laughs and bond.

My flaws

Rereading my own user guide, I can see one thing that i'm still struggling with: I can get aggressive when I'm frustrated.

I have toned that down a lot.

Mostly because people came to me privately and told me. I took it seriously. I logged it as a flaw to work on.²

Meditating has helped.

Sitting still during the kids' bedtime routine has helped too.

That is what the guide is supposed to surface early. Mine took years to surface, acknowledge, and commit to working on it. And when it did, it felt like a punch in the face.

I am nowhere near mastering it.

But that is another quiet benefit of writing a user guide.

You see yourself more clearly.

If you are honest, the blind spots eventually have to make it onto the page.

It travels further than work

I think the user guide travels beyond work.

Because… small disclosures build bonds faster than time does.

That is true for colleagues. But it is also true for friends, partners, parents, and kids.

We do not usually treat the people we love as worth writing a user guide for. Maybe we should.³

I believe the same idea works anywhere trust matters.

If you want to try to write one, start here:

How you like to communicate
How you make decisions
What earns your trust
What loses your trust
Your flaws, named out loud
What you are optimizing for right now
The things that make you you
Your hobbies, family, and slightly weird stuff

Keep it as a living doc.

Update it as you change, evolve.

Share it with the next person you want to actually know.

You do not even need to publish it publicly.

You just have to write it.

Your user guide will show you things the mirror will not.⁴

And true friends will help you work on what you find.

Footnotes

¹ Years ago I read something that stuck with me. Someone had written a document explaining how they worked. I read it in one sitting and thought: I know this person better than people I have worked with for years. I went looking for the source recently. Best I can tell, the idea was popularised by Adam Bryant in a March 2013 New York Times "Corner Office" interview with Ivar Kroghrud, the co-founder of QuestBack. He handed every new colleague a personal user manual on day one. His logic was simple: if it normally takes six months to figure out how someone works, why not write it down and speedrun? I copied the idea and brought it to Tech in Asia.

² I still get frustrated. I still communicate directly when I do. Radical candor, ftw. I know not everyone appreciates that style, and I apologise to anyone I have caught off guard. But I am not sorry for being direct. I am allergic to incompetence, bullshit, and politics. That said, I am happy to receive the same directness. Criticise me. Point out flaws. Suggest a better way. Call me foolish if needed. I just want the best solution, regardless of its source.

³ We offered a family user guide when we had a family helper. It helped break the ice and speedrun the relationship.

⁴ I believe in playing to my strengths. But that is not an excuse to ignore critical weaknesses.